bufy1981's Blog

Isn't it funny that I can freely open up to you guys and gals but I can't tell my family pretty much anything.

Isn't it funny that of all the friends I have I don't ever really feel like I belong.

Why is it that most people seem to thrive on status and stuff like that when the most important things seem to be neglected - like compassion and sense of community?

I am a very confused person at the moment. Filled with rage, sadness, anxiety, depression and not having a legitimate reason why. I feel like I am on the outside watching everyone actually LIVE their lives . I just want to be like everyone else which sounds kinda stupid.

I always thought I would be:

Truth be told apart from the kids I haven't done any of these things.

I am so pathetic whining about this when there are people living much worse off than me.

1. Married
2. Have children (I do but I always thought it would be after getting married)
3. Own my own cosy home with large backyard.
4. Travel (even if it's just around Australia)
5. Have financial security (damn those romance novels lol)
6. Have an OK figure.

I am so pathetic whining about these itty bitty little problems when there are people much worse off the little old me.

 I post silly comments on facebook and use "status shuffle" a lot. So why does everybody think I am gonna off myself just because I "status shuffled" that I was feeling a bit lost and wasn't sure of her place in the world?

It really sucks that they only noticed this and not the hundreds of happy, funny posts that I did.

 It sorta describes me:

“You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away.”

My moods seem to rapidly go from happiness to exhilaration to anger to sadness to fear to anxiety. I feel so confused that I can't sleep... I have surgery coming up but I had carpal tunnel surgery before and it went fine, so why am I feeling like a totally different person?

I am still feeling this lost feeling and all the great messages in the world won't take it away. I just wish that I had the courage to ask him out and go from there but I am too scared. Heck I added him as my friend on facebook but can't do anything else because I am so afraid. I am afraid that he will say no and/or laugh hysterically. I am afraid that even my dad will say that I am not good enough for him. I'm not good enough for him.

I know I am asking a question and we have a question area, who knows I might ask there as well.

Here's the thing every time I see this one guy I have overwhelming feelings of love or lust or something like that. He is the sweetest guy and I can only wish to be with a guy this great. My question is are my feeling something I should follow through with or should I ignore them and how do I do that?

Please help me, I am driving myself insane with these thoughts.

OK so my step-sister got married yesterday and I am honestly happy for her. It's just seeing my dad walk her down the aisle made me totally wish that it was me next to him instead of her. Stupid really but while I was waiting for the bride and groom to show up they play all these sappy songs that I don't normally listen to for a reason. I get extremely depressed for some strange reason. So I am trying to stand up straight in these beautiful heels on Grass that the heel kept getting buried in, listening to this music realizing that I am going to be 29 in January and I don't think i will ever meet the guy that will want to date me much less marry me.

The one thought kept popping into my head throughout the night - The next wedding I want to go to will be my own  and they next funeral I go to will be my own.

There is more to this story but I can tell it another day,

I feel really awful and I just wanted everyone to know that I feel bad.

I need sympathy..LOL!

Nah I ust need to curl up into the fetal position and hope that tomorrow is better.

OK so today I went to TAFE and it wasn't too bad except I kept nearly falling asleep. It's not that the class was boring or anything I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I flt really bad though. You see when I get a really bad headache my body seems to want heaps more sleep than normal. So today when I felt really tired I knew I was going to get a horrendous headache. So there I was at the computer, which was attached to a overhead projector. So I was also showing the rest of the class what to do but in between I was dozing. I hope no one thought I was bored or anything. I kinda was though but not enough to make me go to sleep.

Also if that's not bad enough my wrists are killing me, my phone is being temperamental and I'm still soooo tired.

That get us where we are today. They might not be the best choices heck they might eve be down-right stupid but we wouldn't be here if we made different decisions right? Well how come I feel so hopeless and useless when it comes to my beautiful little boy. I thought yeah he isn't saying the words exactly how they are supposed to be said but he is learning. If I continually correct his speech he might end up with a low self-esteem and stuff like that. I never spoke "baby" talk to him but did I do the right thing or have I made a horrendous mistake? I don't want my children growing up insecure and uncertain because of the mistakes I have made, but right now my oldest son has to have growth hormone injections because he wasn't growing and my baby (he is 4) has a speech problem and the kindy teacher thinks he might benefit from going to a school to help him. This school will be in a place that I will have trouble getting to and he has really settled well into this school-mainly because he knows his big brother is only next door at the "big school". I really want to do whats right for him but my heart says that this other school isn't right. I don't normally listen to it and I am scared to do so now when I need to get my act together more than ever. It's very confusing trying to do whats right when you don't know which decision is the right one!

I saw WWE raw last night and it was pretty good, even in the nose-bleed seats.LOL Anyway my son thought it was great and that's the main thing, right? We got to see the great Triple H, Big show, Randy Orton and many others. Even though I haven't watched wrestling on t.v. for awhile it was still great to watch live and I tried to take many pictures, of course the wrestlers all look like stick figures from where I was sitting but it was something I HAD to do, apparently.

Today though my feet were aching SO much and I was SO tired that I dozed on the couch most of the day. You get that though!

OK so I haven't been getting into the WWE wrestling lately and maybe I don't think that it's the best thing since sliced bread anymore. It's just going to see it for real and watching it on telly is totally different. My eldest son will be going and apparently he got right into it when went last time and I don't want to miss out on seeing his eyes light up etc this time. So we'll have to see how good this will be. For all you naysayers out there, c'mon it's better than watching a soap opera any day plus some of those wrestlers are perve-worthy.

So fingers crossed that I will be able to talk after tomorrow. LOL

I do a lot of thinking before I go to sleep. I make up stories, blogs and questions that I would love to put on EP, but I never end up writing them for real. I tend to forget them them when I wake up which is a shame because I know that they were profound, at least I think they were. I really wish I could write everything that I think and feel, but I am sure everyone else would get totally bored. I haven't really been anywhere or done anything spectacular but I have big dreams and even bigger hopes. I think a lot about the future and all the things I wish I could do or be.

Am I a fool for dreaming and not actually having the guts to act on my dreams? Hang on better not answer...

Today I went to my graduation party. It's been a long 6 months but I finally passed and I feel more confident for it. I feel kinda relieved that's over to be totally honest. Some days when I was there studying I felt like everyone was waiting for me to finish so that they could get the answers from me. I felt like they were using me, I might have been a bit paranoid though.

Anyway I'm gonna quit writing before I get too depressing.

These are a few of my favorite things:

1. Fave Color: Pink & Purple
2. Fave Season: Winter
3. Fave Number: 23 & 29
4. Fave Celebrity: Johnny Depp
5. Fave Thing To Do: Reading

Now I could tell you more but it's lunchtime and I am hungry, I'm gonna eat some Beef Chow Mein. YUMMY!

Just wanted everyone to know that my throat is really sore. My sons birthday is on Monday, so this weekend we are going to see Ice Age 3 (in 3D) and bake some mud cake muffins for 18 kids. So my weekend is going to be GREAT. On Friday at 10am he is having a party at Hungry Jacks (AKA Burger King).

Anyway I hope everyone has a marvelous weekend.

Well my son had grommets put in yesterday and so far so good. It all went pretty smoothly and here I was panicing like usual. You get that though. Anyway he is happily watching t.v right now, so I guess he is fine. Well thats all I can think of saying, any questions?

Paranoia is getting the best of me right now. Take for instance my lecturer at school, she complements me and says that I passed. In my head she is lying to me and behind my back saying bad things about me. I know your thinking paranoid people don't think they are paranoid but I seem to be able to see both sides of an argument. I can't stop the thoughts from entering my head but at least I can realise that they are only thoughts and not truth.

God I sound truly pathetic, now my true love won't marry me. LOL

My poor baby, all the times I have told him off for not listening, he actually couldn't hear properly. I feel so bad that he needs grommets, sort of like I should have known something was not quite right. I was too wrapped up in my own little world with my own stupid problems to realise. Anyway he gets his grommets put in on Monday, so now I have something new to stress over.

Ok so I was joking about the "fun" part of the weekend. I actually spent 90% of the weekend with my poor sick son. Don't worry folks it's not the swine flu. You'd be surprised how many people asked me that, including his father. I mean if it was swine flu he would be one of the first to know. Anyway so he was coughing and sneezing all Saturday and today he was mainly getting rid of the phlem (GROSS). So I can't really say that I enjoyed my weekend. On top of this I am creating a magazine (one off for my class) and gathering information for an expo we are haing at school.

So my weekend was creative to say the least.